By: Jerry Nix | Freewavemaker, LLC Date Published: February 11,2024
Before getting into this story, I must confess that I was not the best father I could have been to my kids as they were growing up. What I mean by that is that I was away much of the time working. In fact, for many of the 42 years I worked as an independent financial advisor (self-employed) I was away from home for a week at a time … but was home almost every weekend. I had very little time to spend with my children and was more of an authoritarian than I care to admit. I’d lay down the law and their mother, God Bless her, would do the best she could to make sure they followed it. In more than 90% of the cases she would succeed. However, sometimes it was up to my kids to hold each other responsible for their actions, because when there are four one mother – working full time – just can’t do it all.
Our Children:
Each of our four children were totally different and basically had to be treated, rewarded and punished differently. For those that do not know my family this is how they line up:
- In 1973 the first Daughter, Linda, was born. She was an independent soul from the very beginning. Always running ahead of mom and dad everywhere we’d go. Never meeting a stranger. At age 3 we lost her at the lake and thought she was gone for good. After searching we saw her entertaining a bunch of, partially drunk, teen-age boys.
- In 1977, four years later, the first son, David, was born. He actually came into this world with quite a temper. He’d get so mad, not at others, but at himself, when he could not do things, he wanted to do. We caught him more than once beating his head against our hard wood floor because he would break a toy and could not put it back together – or while trying to be potty trained would have an accident and shame himself into self-destruction.
- In 1981, four years after the first son, the second one came along. Jeffrey was actually born in the 7th month of my wife’s pregnancy and only weighed about 3 pounds at birth with under-developed lungs. He spent the first year of his life in the Children’s hospital in Fort Worth while they tried to fatten him up. You could not tell it today … but it’s fact.
- Finally in 1987, daughter number 2 – Samantha – was brought into this world. I must confess, this is the one child that we did not plan well for. As a matter of fact, when I brought her home from the hospital and placed her in her crib … I turned around and her mother was standing there holding a meat cleaver and said, “You can call the doctor and stop this mess or I will take care of it for you. Honey, I’m worn out.” You all can imagine what happened the very next week. There was a doctor in front of me with a mask and gloves on and surgical scissors in his hand.
Now I am not going to talk about each of the kids individually or about their lives. That is probably a story they could tell better for you than I could since I was not with them that much in their younger years. Their mother, on the other hand, was always with them and always what I call a “pack rat” when it came to items of theirs, she found around the house.
This morning, she showed me a few letters she had socked away in a drawer, I had never seen these letters before and could not help but have mixed feelings of both shame and joy. Shame that I was not there and joy that my kids have been able to grow and talk to their siblings in a manner that makes me think that they do have a part of me in them.
I do not think there is anything that inappropriate in these letters so I’ve decided to share them. My kids may not like it that much … but they are at an age now where they know their dad is their dad and that I am proud of each and everyone of them in my own way. Plus, I’ve always told them if they wanted to keep it private … keep it out of site (LOL).
Before getting into these letters I have to admit that I am not certain of the ages of my children when they wrote them. Unfortunately, schools today don’t teach kids (apparently) to date letters and notes. I have no idea why. I learned growing up to date everything I write because – who knows – it could be an important part of history someday.
However, after seeing what was written in the letters, I can guess about the year they were written so I will have a close estimation of the kids ages at the time they were written. So that you have an understanding about how far back these go … I will let you know the kids ages now, even though with a little calculation since I gave their year of birth you can estimate their current ages.
- Linda is now or will very soon be 51.
- David is now 46 and will turn 47 in a few months.
- Jeffrey is now 42 and will turn 43 om a couple months.
- Samantha is now 36 and will be 37 next month.
The Letters/Emails:
It appears from the subject of these letters, and what I remember about the timing, that these took place shortly after Jeffrey graduated High School which was in 1999, I believe.
Jeffrey lived with his sister, Linda, the last year of High School. I had moved from Denham Springs, LA to Clinton, MS in 1995 and decided to buy a home and move my family up to this area in 1998. We agreed that Jeff should be able to finish his last year of high school in the school he began in, and his sister and her husband agreed to let him live with them for a year so that could be done.
So, all of these letters happened in 1999-2000. Twenty-four years ago, approximately. Keep I mind there have been many changes in the family’s life since then and even more changes in each child’s life.
I am going to put each letter in this piece as it was written by the child. I am not changing a word or correcting a grammatical error (even though this computer may want to). This way it will be very authentic for you, the reader.
Oh yes, my kids may never forgive me while I’m alive … but that’s okay … they will still love me.
Jeff’s Letter to Big Sister, Linda – 1999 or 2000 sometime:
sis, sorry I havn’t been talking to you lately. Well Let just say that I have some problems
with my parents. They are trying to take care of my money, because they do not think
that I can take care of it myself. They do not like the idea of me giving money out to
friends, well I believe that as long as my own bills are paid off first then I can do what
the hell I want with my money. I am planning on coming back at the end of this month,
but I might have to change my decision for that I am trying to move out of my parents
house rather they know it or won’t know it. Its either move know or keep leting my
parents take my money. Of course my parents do not think that it is a good idea to move
out because I won’t have enough money to do so, and they are a fraid that I will still give
my money out. One thing is true I might not have enough money now but I can always
get another job to cover up what money I will need. I know it will kill me working full-
time at Wal-Mart, Working Part- time at what ever job that I can get, and going to school
full-time for the rest of this semster. but if that is the sacrifice that I have to take I will
take it. The other thing will not be true, About me giving money out lets say I will to
busy working to get money for my bills, that i won’t be able to give money out to help
my friends. Well gotta go.
Love
Jeff
I found it quite humorous that he’s having a problem with “my” parents and not “our” parents. It’s almost like he’s writing to someone other than his sister. Apparently, Jeff was upset with his sister who he spent the previous year with going to his senior year of high school. They both had phones so I don’t know why letters were even necessary.
In any event, I think we found a response from the older sister who is about 8 years Jeff’s senior. If he was 19 at this time, she would have been about 27. Naturally, being the woman she is … very outspoken and very much in charge … her letter would not be as short and sweet as his was.
Linda’s Letter to Little Brother, Jeff – 1999 or 2000 sometime:
Dear Jeff,
It has come to my understanding that you are mad at me. That’s fine. But, if you are that
mad, then I think it is your responsibility to tell me and not Grandma or Sami.
I am sorry if you think that I betrayed your trust. But, I actually did nothing of the sort. I
told mom that we had a conversation the other day. I told her so if she got it on her phone
bill she knew it was you and I talking and she wouldn’t be mad. I only told mom what
she had told me a few days before. She had told me before you did that you think you
were being thrown out.
I am not sure what is going on over there or in your head right now. And it is your
prerogative to whatever you think you need to. All I can do is tell you that I have made
the same mistakes and they didn’t work to my advantage. Your brother has made some of
the same mistakes and you see where it’s gotten him too.
All I have ever asked of you is to grow up and use your head. I have also tried to make
things a little easier on you, which I see you DO NOT appreciate.
I know it’s not easy to live at home, but it is easier than you are making it. You are the
one that is making things difficult. I am all for you “widening your spaces” so to speak,
but do it right. Don’t do it just because you can’t have your way about things. You are not
always going to get your way, even when you live alone. More especially when you have
a roommate. Believe it or not, it’s easier to live with family than it is to live with friends
of any kind. I know …. been there, done that and got the debt to prove it.
Mom and dad are all for you to have your own place. But, what they are trying to avoid is
you being broke to do it. They have watched David and I make some mistakes and see
that you are on the path to make the same ones. Not to mention, they have made their
own
I think you are moving out for the following reasons:
1.) You don’t like their rules:
Well, kid. I’m here to tell you …. even with roommates or totally on your own, there are rules. You have to have rules in order to keep chaos from becoming your life. David and Jeanine have rules. Chrisstiaan and I have rules. Even Michelle, who lives on her own, has rules.
2.) You don’t like your money being controlled:
Well, here’s the reasoning on that. If you would quit giving it away to buy your friends, which is what you are doing, no matter how much you say you are not, and then there would be no need to control it. Quit giving these people money and see how fast you are no longer their friend. It happens. I’ve done it too. To mom and dad, it is real sad that you bring home approximately $800
to $900 a month and you have nothing to show for it. They want you to have for yourself. … Not for your friends to have or for them to have. Jeff, they could live with out your little 10%. But they have had to ask you for it because they have asked Dave and me for it when we lived at home. But, the
bigger reason is to teach you responsibility. (You are not showing any by giving your money away).
I am trying to keep you from making the same mistakes your brother and I made. I am not very proud of those mistakes and I don’t think he is either. I think in our heart of hearts we both wished we’d listened a little more and stayed home to finish school. If either one of us would’ve done that, then we wouldn’t have the debts we now have.
Don’t get me wrong, we both love our lives now. But it took way far more work to get to this point than it should have. Of course, we still have a lot of debt to deal with.
From now on, if you wish to talk, you can call or e-mail me. But know this: If I think you are endangering yourself, and you won’t listen to me, I will go and tell mom or dad. (By that I mean if you were on the verge of going to jail for bounced checks, I would tell them.) Some extraordinary circumstance like that is what I mean. And no matter how mad you get at me or how much you
HATE me, I will still be here when you need me. However, I cannot nor do I have the means to help you financially. All I can do is be here to give you advice.
Well, if you are still mad at me after this letter, fine. But, you be grown up enough and man enough to call me and tell me. Don’t let everyone else do it for you. That’s not being an adult. That’s still being a child. And I don’t think you want to be thought of as a child still. So, do the adult thing and tell me yourself.
Now, it has come to my attention that you will not be down here for the party after all. I believe I was told it was because plans changed at work. I have to say, that is probably not correct. I am not stupid nor am I blind. I see what you are doing, and if you can’t wait a few more weekends to do what I think it is you are up too, then you surely will regret it. Because this may be the last time
for a while that you are able to come here and visit your brother and his family and Brian. And of course, your brother in law has been dying to see you too. As well as me.
I Love you, Always,
Sissy.
The 10% may need a little explanation here. As my kids were growing up, we would provide for them as much as possible. Yes, they got gifts when they were tiny and was paid an allowance (a very small stipend) for doing chores around the house. However, as they got old enough to work, we did request that they pay us 10% of what their bring home pay was for rent (room and board). It is not that we needed their 10% and the idea was to eventually (if they paid regularly and on time – which they didn’t) was to give the money back to them for gifts, college education or other needs. The entire idea was to teach them that if they go through life putting away 10% of each paycheck for themselves, they would never have to “want” for anything when they got older. I was trying to teach them to “pay themselves first.” It didn’t work!
Next, we have the sweetest letter (and possibly the funniest) of all. This is Samantha’s letter to big brother Jeff after he moved from Denham Springs and started to share the upstairs of the house with Samantha.
We own a 3-bedroom house. The upstairs of our house has two bedrooms and a bathroom. The bedrooms are about 10-12 feet apart. Between the two rooms on one side of the hallway separating them is a bathroom and on the other side is the staircase.
Keep in mind at this point in their lives, Jeff was about 19 which would make Samantha about 13. Jeff had just graduated High School and Samantha was probably in the 7th or 8th grade of Elementary School.
Samantha’s Letter to Big Brother, Jeff – 1999 or 2000 sometime:
Jeff,
I am aware that you made your lunch today, because when I went to make mine, I
had nothing left to make it with. This is how we are going to solve our food problem:
- Don’t take all of the lunchmeat! I only took four yesterday, so there
was plenty left for both of us! Please understand that I need to go to
school and each lunch too! - If you are going to take away a bag of my favorite chips (You know
Bar-B-Que is my favorite!) to eat on your own, I expect that there will
be another bag of chips waiting for me for my next lunch.
Since I have to share upstairs with you as well as a house, I want to lay down some rules that would make both of our lives a bit better. Here they are:
- Do not, I repeat, do not play such loud music. It could be turned
down a bit because I can’t really think with such loud music. If
you do it again, I am busting down that bathroom, or room, door
and shoving that horrible radio out the window. Do you hear
me??? - Do NOT leave your pubic hairs in the bathroom. Every time that
I have to take a bath I end up scooping that nasty crap out, and
in the garbage can. DON’T DO IT AGAIN!
Your Sister,
Samantha Nix
Here it looks like the little 13-year-old girl is laying down the law to the 19-year-old big brother. And, yes, she and her sister, Linda, are still that out-spoken and never hold back … even with their dad! I have no idea as to whether Jeff paid any attention to them or not. My guess is that it went into one ear and out the other. I also have to ask in Linda’s case why she simply did not call Jeff – but potentially because he would not answer the phone. In Samantha’s case … he was 10 to 12 feet away. Why write a letter? I guess she needed proof for mom and dad if she ever did through the radio through one of “our windows” because she was certainly not afraid of him – and still isn’t.
Now you all may be wondering where #1 son (and the biggest of the bunch – at 6’ 1” and over 330 pounds of solid man) David is in all of this? Well David learned long ago two things:
- Avoid conflict and drama at all cost, and
- If you have something to say … say it face to face and don’t waste time writing it – you may regret what you wrote later in life.
We have never found a letter from that kid. It’s almost as if he knew what would happen eventually, if we did.
Conclusion:
As for me: I have been laughing my ass off all morning.
As for Parents: keep what your kids leave behind. It may make you mad initially but I promise you will be able to laugh years or decades later.
As for Kids: be careful what you put in writing and leave laying around the house. Your parents are naturally nosey and it will come back to bite you in the backside.
REMEMBER: You can’t row the boat without “making waves” and if you are not rowing the boat, you are likely only drifting where the currents take you ~ Jerry Nix | Freewavemaker, LLC